I wonder how the graduation day would be if that was really the last day of school. I probably would have cried. Because that would mean not seeing Nadhirah and Fatin until the first day of O'levels. That would mean not getting to sit at our favourite spot in the canteen; not getting to chitchat at the fourth floor staircase near the John, facing the Serangoon river and the canopy of trees; not getting to lame around with Cherie and Joscelin nor 'flirt' with HuiYi. Well, basically that would mean the end. But because we know that there's another week, another chance, to do all these, the night has yet to come.

Do all things work this way?
I'd have done it right the first time. Or not have done it at all.




It's pouring hard-on outside. I like it like this. Do you ever watch the world from afar when it rains? I mean, just really watch. Do it from the top. The cold gray skies. The line of rooftops. The flats, houses and condominiums. The lawns, the track and the moor-like fields. The trees swaying to the rhythm of the rain. When it's raining like this, the world seems to go silent. And the only sign of life outside is the occasional trucks and cars passing by. Everyone nestles in the comforts of home. And the world outside is left quiet at last.

There are so many memories that rain brings to me. No wonder they say childhood is very important. It keeps you going on times like this. I'm feeling rather PMS-y right now and I could just cry for about anything. Anything at all. Like the fact that going back home this Christmas will be nothing more, if nothing less, than a torture. God I just miss Kathy and Vem right now. Now that I come to think of it, they are like my all-time best friends. They are sooo very different from each other and I run to them for different reasons. You have one to listen to your rants and will continue listening till probably the end of the world. Then you have one to give you the in-your-face truth; to shake you up so that you'll open your eyes, wake up from your dream and accept reality. And the fact that they are way on the other side of the globe, not coming back home this Christmas, is just arrgggghh! There you go.




I'm pausing my playlist. Fergie's London Bridge is on and it's not at all the kind of music I listen to whenever I want to blog.

Victoria Junior College.
My dad has been dropping hints about this one. Seriously. But whenever he lets 'em Victoria is a decent one, I heard comments of his slip, my ears automatically transform into a hollow tube of air passage and I don't hear a thing he says anymore. Well, put all that in the past tense.

I just had this sudden need, or want, or maybe even obsession to get into Victoria. The roots of which are still not very clear to me. Well it's probably Hailey's telling me about how Adilah's brother was super semangat (semangat sangat!) about getting into Temasek JC, that he printed out TJC insignia stickers and adhered them wherever possible (ok whatev that's an overstatement.) Or it's probably because of this VJC girl who's at the same bus stop at nearly the same time as me every morning of every day. Ok, nothing special about her, except perhaps that her bag is super cool. But anyway, there's just something attractive about VJC. Maybe it's the very fact that it is VJC.

But then again, it just might be because of all the bastards in this world. Really. All of them who, in one way or another, at one point in one time, have caused you so much pain you barely know existed. They who have caused you tears which, looking back now, you can't even recall what exactly were for. Not that my life is this dramatic. But sometimes it just feels so idyll, I guess, to have a reason, to have an answer whenever they ask 'why do you study so hard', to not merely accept what is in front of me but to actually crave for what my eyes behold, and I guess, to have something that I can proudly shout out to the world and beyond

'this is it, here's what I'm fighting for'




I still remember the last time I lost a wallet. If I remember it right, it was on the 21 Dec 2002. It was Christmas holidays and we were back at Baguio City (the place where I spent my primary 4 and 5 days) So we were just walking around, looking for the mini-cafe where we used to spend a huge portion of our after-school hours. It was so fly because the weather was perfect. Chilly, but not mouth-chattering bone-freezing chilly. Cloudy, but not dark mood-spoiler cloudy. I was super at high because I was set to meet someone the next day. So I offered to give my cousin a treat. Just midday snack, a burger and root beer float, my god that was heaven. But just then, in the middle of that noisy crowd all out on a Saturday, just then, I realized that my wallet was gone. The feeling was sickening, like falling off a chair just when you're taking a seat and someone pulled the chair away, but only realizing that no one actually pulled it away it's just that you missed it by an inch. And right then and there I stopped. God I felt like crying. And all I managed was a weak, pathetic 'let's just go back home' kind of sob. So we did.

Anyway let me talk about the wallet. It was given by the very cousin right there with me. Well, I actually forced her to give it to me a few months back. It's a Garfield wallet, moss green (or olive green, I'm not good with colours) with copper brown lining. There was no coin compartment but it was pretty fly. I was in love with it, I swear to god I was! I lost it together with P3000.00 huge huge money, because I was only 12 back then and P3000 was like a really huge deal. There were many other memorabilia kept in it, like my P4 school ID, Ryan's P5 school ID, Daniel's first love letter, and Ryan's Ghostfighter bookmark. I swear those stuffs are so much valuable than the stupid P3000 x100!

I've found the nearest copycat of that wallet though, a good few months back. Well it's not garfield and it isn't moss green (or olive green, I really don't know) but it's brown and it's as good as it gets, plus the lining is copper brown too and plus plus there's no coin compartment either. But just like its A-list model, it was gone without my even knowing. But the thing is I'm not even the least bit sad. Really I'm not. I've lost one before haven't I?

It is just a second best, after all.




Here's random:
you can't even get less than you deserve. Now that's sad.
haha for you.

Ok, holidays are nearly over. Past week was definitely refreshing. It's almost like an interval. So on monday there'd exactly be 42days left to Os. And graduation ceremony is in less than 3weeks. Alright, on times like this I'd normally feel sad. But I can't tell you how relieved I am. I guess the thing about endings is that, they always make you look forward to something else, something unfamiliar and unpredictable that you start to believe it's something better. And when that something finally comes, it doesn't really matter if it's better or worse, because you know that it'll also have an ending. And then you can start to hope again. And the cycle goes on, just as life does.

It's so fascinating when you realize that time carries you like a waterfall, flowing past all the rocks and woods but still not stopping. You start to accept just how nothing will ever slow down for you. And you start to decide whether you'd rather get left behind or agree with the flow.

Here's not so random:
I still miss you once in a while, but I choose not to get left behind.
See you around.




I guess it's finally time to pick up the pieces, sort out the good ones and the bad ones and throw everything else. It's time I re-prioritize my life. Last last tuesday I thought was the closure. But even after so many words and tears, there were just so much more left unsaid. And it has been dragging me down for so long I just can't quite take it anymore.

Sometimes as much as you don't want to let go, or can't let go, you just have to. In my case, I'm holding on to the wrong person. Really. These past 2 weeks I've been telling myself that one day he'll come back to me, and that I'd wait no matter how long it takes. But then I realised that what I'm holding on to is as good as thin air, it's nothing.

The truth is I hate myself. All those nights and days that I cried, I just realised, was not for him. It was for me, for what I've done, for the guilt. I hate myself for going behind my friend's back. My one best friend. I'm the worst, really. And to expect her to understand me is just way too much to ask. Sometimes I still can't believe how selfish I've become, for this one person who's not even worth any of it.

I used to blame myself for what happened. But looking back, probably my one only mistake is that I believed him. I let him fool me. Or, I let myself fool me. The single mistake I made is one that I could not have avoided. It's my nature. I'm weak.

Listen to me, this post is for you. One day everything will make sense. We're drifting apart, but I know better now. I'm sorry for what I've done. You'll always be my babe.