It has been surreal from the moment it started. And now that's exactly where we are, back to the starting line, to zero. Well, this week was... ugh. Tell me what this week was. It was rather bumpy, yes indeed. I wish I could say everything I want to say right now. But that's the thing with blogging, you can't honestly say everything you want to say. But if I may...

So this week started out sky-high. (Details of why I'm afraid I'll have to exclude)
And ended six-feet down under.

I'm not exactly sad. Really, I'm not. Or at least, I don't want to be sad.
But screw this, big liar. I cried everyday since Tuesday.
But I'm ok now, easy come easy go. Shan't take it too personally. I love you world.




When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay It's okay It's okay
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one




Because it's you.
Because I don't wana let you go.
Because there's this something inside me that says you're the one.
And because I love you, idiot. Can't you tell?




Ryan: "Let's get married when we're older and successful."
Dionne: "Haha. I wish.."
Ryan: "I promise."

I cried after that, right then and there. Ever since that day I kinda held on to him. Even though I could have sworn I fell for other guys, a part of me still believed that I'd end up with him. But now the string I'm holding on to, though secretly, has given up.

He's a dad now. And his son looks so much like him.
God. I'm not even affected.
I'm happy for him. I'll see them this Christmas.




I'll be leaving this blog, I hope.
But it's not yet decided.
We'll see.
<3




<3




I cannot even sleep. This is exactly what I need 3weeks before the prelims! Just great.

You see, fuck. Pardon my vulgarity. Really. It's just that, fuck. I cannot put this into words. I'm not cursing you. I'm cursing myself. For what, exactly? Well. (1) For letting this delusion spread through my brains and my whole being, for jumping down that building called Stupidity thinking that he would actually catch me before I fall flat on my face. But the thing is, I haven't fallen flat, I'm just falling and falling and whirling and it feels so goddam hollow; like going up a staircase in a stranger's house in the middle of the night thinking that the next step would be the last step, but the staircase continues and you just feel so lost it's all you could do to jump down the banister and disappear for goodness' sake. (2) For even starting this whole thing in the first place, knowing how difficult it would be along the way, knowing that it might not be just about me or him, knowing that there might be, in fact that there is, at least one other person who will get hurt, and knowing -god! knowing fully well, that I'm putting myself in a position where I'm bound to lose something either way.

And lastly, for breaking the promise I made to myself that I won't, at least not now, fall for anyone again. Bang some sense to me, will ya?




But still, I'll take my time on you.




For a moment I thought of changing the way I look at things. Or expand it, more like. I guessed the problem with me is that I'm an anal-retentive, control-freak perfectionist slashslash idealist. But then I stopped for a second and realised that the way I look at this world is just exactly how I would like myself to do so.

Some people might think that I'm taking this way too seriously. I don't know why I'm so affected either, but there are just times when you get so disgusted by people's behaviour it literally gives you a pain in the ass.

This ain't a perfect world. But why make it as far from perfect as you possibly can?