Okay. To think that I was considering him again, for a second there, is like wow. Not 'whoa' wow, but wow god-I-surprise-myself-at-times wow. And to think that I made myself believe and hope, for a second there, that he (a different he) will wake up from his trance like I did is just downright shameful. It makes me want to wear a paperbag over my head and dive right into a tub-full of boiling water.

Anyway, I've decided what I'd do after O's. So I'd go back to the Philippines and probably pursue the trip that the girls and I have planned since like the start of the millennium. And then I'd stay in Baguio (which is this small city in the northern part that is at 20 deg.Celsius all year round). Yeah, I'd stay there for maybe 2 months doing volunteer work or something. I figured I can teach orphanage kids their arithmetic or grammar or maybe even both. And then I decided that I won't let anyone accompany me. I mean, I'm sure my parents would want an adult to chaperon me but I would argue that I want this to be the first thing I'd ever done alone. And they can't do anything coz it's my life anyway.




So here's what I need to do.
I need to pull myself together. Big time.
I'm all over the place right now, see.

My heart beats so fast (no matter how cliche that sounds) whenever our eyes meet, despite the fact that I've cursed him with every curse word there is in this world. He's what I see when there's nothing to see. And I just can't help asking myself whether I've let my one chance, and maybe last, slip like that.

And I've been feeling rather lost lately. I mean, really. Like literally misplaced. Like I don't belong. Sometimes I would find myself doing a particular thing in a particular place, and then I'd ask, what are you even doing here? or, what exactly are you doing this for? Anyway, there's just that feeling, you know, of wanting to go some place. Or, maybe what I'm really hoping for - some time.

So here's what I need to do.
I need to pull myself together. Like shit, Big time.





The voices all around me
like from a distant parallel world
And they, standing and sitting
next to me, around me
but still unreachable.
In this four-cornered walls
you can scream in pain,
and agony
and loneliness
and shame,
and hatred
and blahblahblah
and that is how it will sound
and that is what they will hear.
But who's to blame but I - if I
have locked the door
from the inside,
and they have locked me in?









Cherie said I'm emo. She's been saying that since like a thousand years ago. She says it so often I can almost believe her. Maybe I am, I said, everyone has their angsty side. Not her though, she said, she doesn't have an angsty side. Then I started to think she's weird, coz it's like a fact that everyone feels down once in a while, and if she doesn't, then that makes her the odd one out. So I said 'you're weird' but she said 'no, I'm not, you are'. Okay so then I'm emo plus weird? No way. So then I kept quiet for awhile, then I asked her 'do you like hate me?' She said yes. Then I said 'I mean do you like, seriously hate me?' She said yes. She said she hated me from the beginning. Which is a lie I know, coz I can tell she's lying. I can always tell when people are lying. The sad part is, most of the time, even though I know they are lying, I sort of believe them when they say the lie so often and it makes me so depressed because I can't stop myself from believing them anyway.




So you blame yourself for ever thinking, agreeing with them and even believing. You should not have let it go inside your head, coz now you're not the best, nor any better. You're just a spit on the wall and no one can be bothered.




She faced me and cast a knowing look, evidently expecting me to say something. I half-raised my right brow, giving in: "Who is it?"
"Him, duh"
"That's super irritating lah!"
I had to show her that I am irritated. And I was, honestly. But in my attempts to do so it only sounded fake. And she wallowed in the idea which I know she has been nurturing inside her head since school reopened that I am, still, not over him.

Not that it matters to me. He, in everything that he is worth, barely crosses my mind nowadays. And I am not doing myself justice blogging about this. So let's move on, then halt.