The original Everytime We Touch of Cascada has been playing in my iTunes for the 8th time since I downloaded it. I don't know exactly why, I guess there's just something about it that makes me feel so... emotional.

You could just feel how much the girl loves the guy that she doesn't need anyone else, that all she wants and all that matters is being with him. Everytime we touch, I get this feeling. Everytime we kiss, I swear I could fly. Can't you feel my heart beat fast? I want this to last. I need you by my side. Everytime we touch, I feel ecstatic. Everytime we kiss, I reach for the skies. Can't you feel my heart beat slow? I can't let you go. I want you in my life.

Boo. I'm being overly romantic again. Well, not exactly again, since I always have been this way.

CAM-WHORE! (or just whore. nah.)

It's official. He's out of the picture. Somehow I feel sad. For myself. For him. For the two of us. Whatever I do, whatever I say or how fucking vulgar I do it, there's just this elaborated image of us in my mind that always pops out whenever something reminds me of him. I guess I feel sad because now there's just really no way, just beyond 0%, that that image is going to be part of reality. The funny thing is, I feel more sorry for him. Gee, I swear to you, I could have done everything for him. Anything, anything at all. And he just threw it away, just like that.

But what I really wanted to say, what really is the reason behind this entry, is this: I'm glad he did what he did. Even before, a part of me was just waiting for him to do something of the kind, waiting for him to do something that would qualify him as a bastard. So that there'll be enough reason for me to move on. The thing is, I used to believe in what I wanted to believe. I saw things my way. I excused him for all that he has done to me, thinking that maybe he has a positive reason behind them. But then I grew tired and was determined to let him go. It's just that I can't because I still couldn't hate him. So when he finally did that, I can only say that I was glad. And I cannot grab enough words to explain just how much.

Alright, so that was the end of it. He really is part of history now. Looking back, it's funny how I had sworn I fell in love with him. If there's one thing that I learned from this tragedy, it's this: Don't ever mistake love for what it's not. Of course I learned a few more other things, but I'm not going to that just this moment.

It's 1am. I'm off to bed.




This, I'm sure of:
I don't want him. I just want someone.


The world's full of beautiful things; hold my hand and let's see them for ourselves.









Immature love is when you want the person you love to be happy with you.
True love is when you want the person you love to be happy. Period.

They say when you really want something, there are a hundred ways to get it; and when you really don't, there are a hundred excuses to get away from it. Yup. That is true, people.

Anyway, I've been home-bound for the past couple of days. Spending hours listless in my room, trying to improvise my guitar skills, hulahoop-ing, pigging out. Hah. I always wonder when will I start to grab some school books and do a bit of revision. Heaven knows there'll be no time for that once I go back to the Philippines. Ugh. Our schedule is so hectic I'm not even sure I can visit all the places I want to visit. Anyway, as I was saying, every night I keep telling myself that the next day is a new day, and it's never too late to commence a good thing. So then I will decide that I really will study, but I don't. Oh I just can't find any motivation to start studying. It's like, for what uh. I've done my best this year, cut me some slack. But then my conscience is like shouting if you don't start now, you'll be so burnt out next year.

Oh well. I don't know really.

Oh shoot. I miss someone real bad..




Funny how people go looking for love, when in the end, love doesn't really conquer all. As we grow older, we'll realise that love isn't everything. That in life, what matters more is security. Of our future. What matters more is stability. Of the life we'll choose to lead.

I've seen many people search for love, only to realise in the end that love doesn't come in full package, that love doesn't offer everything they'd been looking for.

The truth is, I do not know what in fuck's sake I'm talking about.

*

This ain't no enigma

Baby it amazes me
how overly used are these words:
'I'm sorry'
You have no fucking idea,
but that's just the way things are
between us
and there is nothing left to say
Funny why this should happen,
I didn't even like you that much,
but see, you did
work your magic on me baby.
And this, above all
for this I wish
you'd whisper your friggin' words
but love, you never did.
Screw you.




I Am: your teenage dirtbag. dionne.
I Will: not be a teenage dirtbag for long, though.
I Miss: the Philippines!
I Hear: Hotel California right now.
I Smell: nothing.
I Crave: for everything.
I Worry: about anything.
I Regret: giving myself away...

I Love: him, i guess...but
I Always: will never understand what love really is.

I Dance: with a bowl of bananas on my head
I Sing: to rock your world
I Dream: of him, no longer.
I Can't Stand: standing for hours
I Lose: 10kg in my dreams
I Like: caramel frapuccino
I Listen: to the beat of the drums in rhythm with my heart.
I Can Usually Be Found: reading a book
I Need: to hold his hands
I Know: I never will
I Hope: I can forget
I Want: to forget
I Obsess: about falling in love
I Am Always: saying things I will not immediately do
I Wish: I could immediately do them, though
I Cry: when Im really - really - hurt
I Fell: in love with a boy
I Believe: that someday, he'll grow up.

I lost: myself in imaginations
I saw: this coming from the start
I found: that I'm even stronger than what I thought
I survived: SEC 3!!!
I think: I'll be fine
I have: to move on




There's nothing wrong with being miserable, baby.
There is, though, with being miserable for a long time.

And so there is no point clinging on to him - or to any disaster, for that matter.

We're young. The night has yet to come.

The whole world is waiting.



One love y'all.




Yesterday was a rocky day. The slightest memory of him was enough for me to get all teary-eyed and breathless. I never expected it to be this bad. It's almost like I'm going through a really bad break up with someone I've been for years. Almost like.

And so when my dad said he's going to Orchard to get his hair cut, I just grabbed the chance to get out of the house and come along, thinking that maybe the lights and the buildings and the oh-really-so-many people will somehow put my mind off him. But this proved useless because the people I saw were couples walking hand in hand, laughing, smiling, and happy. And few of them looked at me and I felt as if they knew what was going on and they were mocking and laughing and smiling and looking even happier.

So then I took a bus to Plaza Sing, which was also depressing because I don't want to take buses anymore, but I don't know why I did last night. Because you see, I really do get a lot of dreams about me sitting at the furthest back of the bus, the bus stopping at a bus stop and I see him walking down the aisle to sit next to me and hold my hand. And taking a bus now just becomes so unbearable I nearly cried last night then and there.

But then my dad called me and asked where I was. I said I was at PS. So then he followed me there and we met up for dinner. Oh I love these moments. Just my dad and I. We call it our 'date'. He said he wonders when I will stop dating him. I said I don't know. He laughed. I laughed. We ate Japanese. Oh I love Japanese food. Oh, actually before that he asked me to buy tickets to The Covenant. The movie was at 9:10, and we finished dinner like 8:30. So then we we have nothing better to do. Then my dad decided he wanted to play those gun-games where they shoot the screen. Boo. That's funny man. My dad didn't want to stop playing and I was like, the movie's about to start dad, come on, the kid next to you looks like he's dying to play. But then he still had like 2 more missions to go or something, so he offered the kid to play the remaining of it. Then the kid ran away. I think my dad scared him.

I was excited to watch the Covenant, but heck it was a disappointment. If the main character wasn't sooooo hooottt, I would definitely have fallen into sleep. Mediocre storyline. There were supposed to be four of them, but the story focused on Caleb. Mediocre ending. Tsk.

Oh but it doesn't matter. When the night ended, a quarter of my thoughts of him had drifted away. And before I fell asleep, I remember thinking, you can handle this.




May I tell you something? While it still remains true?
I love you.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have not been sticking to my words lately, that I've been very inconsistent. The thing is, when I said a million times before that I'm going to move on without him, that I've learned my lessons and he is just a fragment of my past, a part of me - a huge part of me - was not willing to let go at all. I guess you could say that I was holding on to make-believes. Now I could just knock myself with my guitar for ever thinking that, somehow, he might fall for me too. The truth is, and I find no reason to deny it now, I allowed myself to believe that he does like me back, in a romatic sort of way. Now what I'm not entirely sure of is whether this is because he did show - or at least dropped hints - that this is truly so, or because I unconsciously allowed myself to think too much yet again and mistakenly interpreted his intentions.

But all of that do not matter now. Everything is clear, maybe not crystal, but less muddled enough for me to realise some things. That is, he is not for me. Not one in one million, as he said so himself. And that we can never be more than friends. I guess I must have realised this before too, but I was in a state of denial, as I have mentioned. But I'm past that stage. Maybe not way past it, but I'm on my way.

I'm breaking free.




Holding on to someone who clearly wants you to let go can be sooooo tiresome.

It's a surprise I managed to attend all of the intensive classes so far. I guess the only thing pushing me into going through the boredom is the thought of a far worse hell if I stayed at home. That is, a whole different definition of boredom. Woohoo.

But that's only partly true. Because there's another reason. Don't ask what, but ask who.

And I don't know if I'm still attending tomorrow. Besides, I only have half a reason now. Because . . .

I'm tired.