I cannot even sleep. This is exactly what I need 3weeks before the prelims! Just great.
You see, fuck. Pardon my vulgarity. Really. It's just that, fuck. I cannot put this into words. I'm not cursing you. I'm cursing myself. For what, exactly? Well. (1) For letting this delusion spread through my brains and my whole being, for jumping down that building called Stupidity thinking that he would actually catch me before I fall flat on my face. But the thing is, I haven't fallen flat, I'm just falling and falling and whirling and it feels so goddam hollow; like going up a staircase in a stranger's house in the middle of the night thinking that the next step would be the last step, but the staircase continues and you just feel so lost it's all you could do to jump down the banister and disappear for goodness' sake. (2) For even starting this whole thing in the first place, knowing how difficult it would be along the way, knowing that it might not be just about me or him, knowing that there might be, in fact that there is, at least one other person who will get hurt, and knowing -god! knowing fully well, that I'm putting myself in a position where I'm bound to lose something either way.
And lastly, for breaking the promise I made to myself that I won't, at least not now, fall for anyone again. Bang some sense to me, will ya?
